Sunday, August 18, 2013

What is your biggest regret in life?

This has been saved as draft for a few days now...
But I never stop thinking about this post. 
I kept distracting myself and delaying it with the excuse of studying because I really do not want to post this up...
Writing this post would mean that more people would know about this. 
And it makes me really vulnerable. 
Who likes to appear vulnerable in front of people?
Definitely not me. 

But here I am, going to write this post because deep down, somehow, I just can't keep it in anymore. 
Am I the only one who goes through this? 
I feel so stupid right now. 
I don't know if doing this is the right thing, or would it make situation (if there is any) even worst. 

I'm sorry if this post is really serious, if you don't want to read about my personal life then I suggest you shouldn't read this post. 

Ok, here goes... 

My biggest regret is losing you. 
Do you remember what you told me on 20 Nov 2008?
You told me we should stop being friends. 
Imagine your best friend telling you,
"Hey, I think it's best that we should not be friends anymore" 
Your first best friend, the girl you thought would be there for you till the very last breath you take (ok I know a bit drama, but you get the drift). 
We've known each other since Pr 5. 
That is about 5ish years of friendship? 
I know it's not really long, but the times we spend together, the things we did together... 
I did considered you as my sister from another mother before. 

It's funny how I can remember that night so clearly. 
You suddenly talked to me on msn, I remembered it was late. 
The conversation was short, and sweet. 
I replied "Ok, if that's what you want."
And then I went offline, ran to my toilet (used to be my comfort place, don't ask me why) and cried for what seems like forever. 
I think I was inside for about an hour before I came out, and head straight to bed. 
The period after that was the darkest period of my whole entire fucking life. 
I cried, I hurt myself, I cried even more, I abandon my faith in God, I ruin my walk with God (till this day, I'll be honest, my walk with God is non existent), 
I was basically an empty shell.  

You know what the funniest thing is?
 I always thought that it wouldn't matter to me at all even if I if I lose you. 
I thought I saw you as another friend that comes and go, that you weren't important at all to me. 
And I did believe in that lie for a while. 
I carried on with my life, I got closer to my current best friend (I love you Teresa, Thanks for everything. I miss you!) 
and I thought I was finally getting over the hurt. 

But damn, I was wrong...
I was so wrong. 
Do you believe that I still cry about you sometimes...
And that is fucked up. 
You know why?
I still see you around, used to be in Poly then in Hatched where you worked. 
I also follow you on instagram ( I don't stalk really. I have this habit of scrolling till the end of instagram, so I happened to see your post quite a bit). 
And from what I saw, you seemed to be moving on so happily with your life. 
You looked genuinely happy, filled with friends that appreciate and love you. 
I'm not saying I don't have friends who love and appreciate me. 
But seeing you so happy, and looking at myself and wondering why I haven't completely forgotten about you, the hurt, it sucks you know...

I'm not blaming you. 
I'm not writing this post to blame you. 
I'm writing this blog to come to terms with myself. 
Yes I miss you, I miss you a lot. 
Yes I'm still hurt, from something that happened 5 years ago because I didn't know you mean so much to me. 
I'm happy that you are happy without me.
Because I know I treated you like shit. 
And I took you for granted. 
I could say I'm the worst friend you ever had. 
I'm glad you told me that I shouldn't be your friend anymore. 
Because imagine if we were still friends, the pain and hurt you must had felt from your insensitive bitchy "best" friend. 
As much as I was crushed when you told me that, I would like to believe that it was difficult for you too. 
Unless I didn't mean a thing to you then...
This whole post would just be a mockery. 
Sucks to be me then, fucking loser who cannot get over shit that happened 5 years ago. 

Do you know why I don't really like seeing you?
Do you know why I think it's so awkward?
Because when I see you, I remember about the hurt I inflicted on you and how horrible and insensitive I was.
Though I have friends who will tell me that this incident has happened 5 years ago and you probably has already moved on but I still cannot face you knowing how much I have hurt you last time. 
Maybe that's why I don't really like to see you in person... I look at you and I recalled how awful I am as a person. 

I feel so vulnerable right now. 
Fuck, I'm feeling so naked. 
I'm sharing so much.

To be honest, part of who I am is influenced by you. 

Why I love Starbucks so much?
Yes the coffee is nice (though many people don't think so), but you were the one that introduced Starbucks to me, You were the one that made me fall madly in addiction to Mocha Frappe. 
I still remembered your favourite drink is Ice tall hazelnut latte, I'm not sure if it's still your favourite drink because that was 5 years ago. 
Remember the times we chilled at Paragon's Starbucks? 
Those times where I would tease you about AHA?
And then we would go to Gramophone to check out music?
Yeah I still do, though the memory is a little hazy now (fuck my short term memory urgh)
Muji was one of our favourite shops to visit too at Paragon. 
And I remembered you love shopping at Mango haha, every time we were in town, you would drag me to Mango. 

You were such a whiny girl do you realise...
And I always scold you for whining cause it was annoying. 
But guess who whines a lot now?
Yes, that's right. 
I realised I whined too... 

Remembered my korean phase?
I don't know if you are still into kpop right now. 
Not me though, I stopped when we weren't friends anymore. 
I guess it was cause I lost my only kpop source. 
But thanks to you, I knew about kpop way before so many loser fangirls who just got to know them recently. 
Remembered how we would fangirl about DBSK? 
Holy shit, your fangirl level was wayyyyyy higher than mine. 
And how we would always go to the korean shop at Cineleisure (it closed down already) to look at all the merchandises.
Hahaha, those were the days...

Remember the times we chilled at your house?
It was fun, just chilling on your bed. 
Using your computer.
Watching movies, fangirling, talking about Chad Michael Murray...
Occasionally seeing your mum half naked, no shorts on I mean, walking around (opps) 
Your mum was always nice to me. 
Thanks auntie! 

Remember our bets?
Who have a boyfriend first must asked the boyfriend treat Crystal Jade because we used to love eating at Crystal Jade...

And when you had your first boyfriend...
We weren't friends already...

Thank you, for all the wonderful memories we had. 
It will and always be the best memories of my life.

Believe it or not, I still have all our old pictures because I can't bare to delete them. 
You always liked to camwhore...
Gosh, it's that why I like to camwhore too?
Hahaha, must be. 
I have tons of photos of us in my computer.
You probably deleted yours already...

Anyway, if you are not her and you know her personally, please do not tell her about this post. 
As in yes I do want her to read this, but I want her to come to my blog on her own will. 
Not because someone said "Eh Shay blogged about you eh" 

And if you are her...

Hi Eunice, 
thanks for reading. 
Please don't feel pressured reading this. 
This is me ranting,  
you don't have to do anything about this. 
I'm glad we talked a bit now. 
I'm sorry for all the hurt I caused you. 
I'm sorry it took 5 years for me to say this.
Yeah, I hope this doesn't cause you any stress or anything. 
If it did I'm sorry again. 
Yeah, you can just forget about this if you want. 
I really don't want to offend you or cause you any pain anymore. 
I'm glad you are living life happy. 

I don't know, here are some photos of us...

Lol at the captions...
 Sigh, miss you
Sorry was an ugly kid since young. Don't mind the pictures.  

 I'm sorry if I seem like an emotional bitch who can't seemed to let go of her past. 
But I am, I am that bitch.
So I'm sorry if any of you are reading this and rolling your eyes. 
I'm sorry it's not a happy "Oh here is a POMT post"... 
I'm sorry ok. 
Let me for once post about something I really want to post.

I guess this is the end.
I'm glad I managed to write this whole post without crying. 
Good job meowmeow!

See ya soon for a more cheery post I promised! 
Remember to be kind and love one another!

People say break ups are the worst feeling ever, 
I say that's cause they never truly lose a best friend before. 
And if you did but you never experience the same amount of pain I'm feeling, 
then I say she/he wasn't your best friend to begin with.

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