Sense and Sensibility

It's been a while hasn't it.
Since my last update.

Life has been really challenging.

No doubt there are those little bits of happiness.

Like chinese new year, dates with people i love, how my room never fails to give me comfort.
But there are times where I just feel so emotionally down, and like always there are no one to turn to.

Literally felt my heart break just recently.

I have learn so much this week.

How CNY is just another day to visit relatives you don't give a shit about but because of "respect" you have to visit them.

How money is behind all this "respect"

How the closer you are with a person, the bigger disappointment you will feel when they let you down.

How you can't expect people to understand you, you cannot expect the same amount of understanding people will return to you.

How sometimes you feel that even best friends or close friends can become strangers.

How someone can destroy your whole mood, your whole day just by using such words.

How feelings can be played easily, and then apologised a while later just by using "i was joking", like it meant nothing to them.

How I need to just put myself second, or even last because well everyone is just more important to me.
How they told us to be yourself, but later judge us for bring us.

Funny right.
Well, i experienced all this within a week.

But this isn't really what i wanted to blog about.

Haha. Sorry for wasting your time.

So I just watched this show called Sense and Sensibility, is a British romance novel by Jane Austen.

I really want to read the book.

I mean the show is great, but usually the book is better.

Anyway, what strikes me most was the character Marianne. She's the second daughter.

Her story, seems too familiar, too similar to mine.

Except one difference was she was able to move on, to forget about him, and get married to this guy who love her dearly.

Maybe that's why I can't move on.

No one has ever love me like that too.

I can't find the exact lines she said to her sister.

But the particular scene that struck me was the conversation Marianne had with her sister. 

It was about this guy she had love but he was a jerk and broke her heart.  

"He knew I love him, and he made me believe that he love me too"
"Well he did not use that many words to say it (I love you) but his actions, the words he say to me shows that he does"

That's exactly how I feel.
He didn't say he love me, I just thought he did.

He led me on, he knows I like him.

It's so obvious.

Too obvious.

And I know the pain she felt when she found out that he was married, that he was playing with her (though he claimed he really love her)

Oh wells.

Anyway, what i'm trying to say is that i'm going to be like Marianne.

I'm going to move on.

That's what i always say.

But this time I mean it.

It's been like what, 2 years. 

I have punished myself for way too long.

I have lie to myself for way too long.

Telling myself that he is this and that, and that i'm so over him, but clearly i'm not. 

I won't doubt it's going to be hard.

And there will be days I will cry myself to sleep wondering why did we change.

But I have done enough hurting to my heart.

I don't know whether anyone else can replace the position he has in my heart.
I still love him, and I doubt I can love anyone like how I love him.

But I've had enough.

I'm moving on, to love someone else differently.

Not the same way as I love him because i'm not going to treat the next person as a rebound, or in anyway comparing him to that person.

I'm moving on.

And I will.