To a friend.

I hope you read this,
I really hope you do.
I really hope you still care about me.
I really hope you read my blog.
I really hope you know I'm not doing fine.
I really hope you at least tried to reach out to me.

What happened?
Can you tell me what I did wrong?
Why did we suddenly not talk anymore?
I see, you got new friends.
I see, you got new things in your life.
Why didn't you tell me?
Why didn't you share it to me too?

Do you know I still care, about this friendship.
But you can't seem to be bothered anymore.
Why?
Tell me why all this changed?
Tell me why you stopped talking to me.
Tell me why we stop messaging.
Tell me why we stop walking to the bus stop together.

I don't like change, I thought you knew.
I thought you treated me like someone you can talk to?
That was what you write in my christmas card isn't it?
Or was that all just fake bullshit, which i just conveniently believe in?
Can you just tell me the reason why things has changed?
Because I don't get it.

Is it because I neglected you?
I don't know.
Why so distant after you came back.
Seriously...
It's like you have changed.
Maybe I did? but i really doubt so.
What happened?

I hope you know, I kept your christmas card in my diary/planner.
I hope you know I still use the pens you gave me.
And the diary, i kept it, cause I can't bear to use it.

It hurts to see how distant we are right now,
Like strangers.
And every time I think about it,
I think it's my fault.

Because everything is my fault.
I'm always the one in fault.
And I hope you realise when I am writing this, i'm tearing like fuck.

So if it was my fault.
I'm sorry alright,
Can we just be like how we used to?

Or maybe i'm just not worthy of being your friend anymore.
If that's the case,
fine.
I'm just gonna treat that friendship like a thing in the past.

.
.
.

and fyi, it hurts me to see, you don't even look at me, like i didn't exist.
and seeing you sitting with them during lectures instead of me.
what happened.
seriously, what the fuck happened?