Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Who are you?

I haven't been blogging much.
Yeah, I realised.
Tumblr just isn't that personal. And maybe along the way, I kind of lost myself.

Today, I just feel like saying everything out. Sort out my thoughts that have been running like wild.

But no one really reads my blog anyway.
They gave up reading.
It's just way too emo for them.
But do you know what, I don't expect people to read this.
I don't want people to pity me and say "Cheer up cause everything will be okay."
You know I hate this line.
Everything is not going to be okay unless I want it to be okay.
It's me I need to deal with, not the problems I'm facing.
If I can truely understand myself, all the problems I am facing wouldn't exist.

Besides, I want me to read this.
10 years down the road, when I happened to bump into my blog.
I want to read all this post and go "Oh man Im such an emoh girl last time."
Or maybe even go "HAHA! Im so retarded."
10 years down the road, I want to read back and know I have changed.
Matured, grow up.
10 years down the road I want to be happier, I want to feel happy inside out.
10 years down the road I want to say "I don't need a man to survive" and actually mean it.
And honestly,
10 years down the road I want to be alive to read it.

Who are you? Who am I?
I really don't know who I am.
I have been living the dreams of others, following everyones orders.
I haven't really fight for what I want.
Come to think of it, I really haven't fight for anything I want.
Since young, I have been listening to my parents.
I know, they know what's best for me. That's why I listen to them.
But they are not me.

"Quit tap dance, focus on your studies."
Yeah, I did that without even fighting for what I want.
I did "fight", told them I love tap dance.
But in the end, I think I just went along with their plans.
I did blame them for making me quit but deep down, I know it's my fault for not fighting for what I want.
Now, I guess I lost the passion for tap dance.
It's funny right, how dance used to be my passion when I was young.
But now, I don't even dare dream of taking up dance again.

I just realised, everything I did, wasn't really what I want to do.
As in someone told me to do it.
Not saying that I don't like what I am doing.
Well, I am learning to enjoy it.
Go take business studies. Go do this go do that.
And me being as aimless as I am. I followed.

I have no life seriously. I just follow what people want me to do.
Take GB as your cca, it's a christian cca.
And you might have guess, I end up in that cca for 10 years.
Regrets, maybe a little.

The point is. I am not doing what I REALLY WANT TO DO.
I am just so caught up with the lives of others that I forgot who I really am.

Honestly, I don't know what I want. I don't know who I am.
I only know my name.
My purpose in life...

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