Wednesday, February 08, 2012


People always say count your blessings. 
I do not disagree to this sentence.
In fact, it's nice to always know of all the things you have.
Instead of thinking about the things you don't have.
It's always nice to view the world with such positive energy.
I mean it makes life so much better doesn't it.
Even when you meet any problems or obstacles, it doesn't bother you that much.

I wish I can be someone like that. 

I don't understand why people think it's so damn easy to be positive.
To see things in a better light.
I don't know why people say happiness is a choice.
I don't understand how people can let things go so easily.

Maybe because they aren't battling the same kind of demon as me?
Maybe they are a much stronger person?
Maybe they have learn how to live, and not simply exist.

Or maybe i'm just so used to the constant pain I put myself through.
Maybe i'm addicted to the pain?
Maybe i'm a sadist.

I don't recall the last time I was genuinely happy for a long period of time.
All my happiness seem short lived.

I'm really so sick of myself. 
I hate myself.

And I'm tired.

I'm tired of writing blog posts like this.
Because it's all the same.
I'm tired of wallowing myself in misery.
I'm tired of forcing myself to think of happy thoughts.
I'm tired of crying without a reason.
I'm tired of treating everybody nice
I'm tired of being a "me" which doesn't even exist.
I'm tired of figuring out who I really am.
I'm tired of socialising
I'm tired of being nice.
I'm tired of being selfless.
I'm tired of putting everyone first. 
I'm tired of people telling me to let go, to be happy.
I'm tired of wanting someone who can understand me.
I'm tired of pushing myself.
I'm tired of feeling like a total failure all the time
I'm tired of not achieving much
I'm tired of worrying
I'm tired of the future
I'm tired of school.
I'm tired of education.
I'm tired of the world.
I'm tired of wanting to be this person I will never become.
I'm tired of expectations.
I'm tired of disappointments.
I'm tired of waiting.
I'm tired of sleeping.
I'm tired of waking up.
I'm tired of being tired.
I'm tired even though I have way too much sleep.
I'm tired of breathing.
I'm tired.

 I have been thinking a lot these past few days.
More than my usual thinking.
I have been thinking about my future.
And all I can see is one word.

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