Wednesday, December 14, 2011

A long rant before I snooze.

Need to be up by 4am so I better speed rant.
Fuck this few weeks have been straight up miserable.
And I'm probably the reason for all these emotions I'm feeling.
I hate to blame it on people because it's not even anyone's fault but mine.
I hate how my emotions controls me and not my brain. You get what I mean?
I don't think straight anymore. I just let my emotions do the actions.
When I'm upset I'm upset. Angry I'm angry.
I don't ask myself anymore why I'm feeling like that.
Well, you can almost put it as I'm having all these fucked up emotions without a reason at all.
My emotions are getting the best of me and it's making me do things I don't really want to do.
I don't know how to pen down my emotions anymore because right now I feel like a messed.

I have been studying. Studying so much that I'm losing my sanity.
And I question myself everyday why am I doing the things I dislike? This isn't life at all. Aren't we suppose to enjoy life? Why am I studying so hard for nothing. Yes you get a cert in the end and so? What's next? Compete with JC fucking smart people and all the smart people in the same poly course as you just for the sake of that university spot? Is this all worth it? And ultimately am I happy?
Fuck. And my enough is definitely never enough. So what if I'm hardworking? So what if I studied a week or even two earlier than you? Does it make a fucking difference in my results?! No fuck no of course. Cause I'm so dumb. I swear I'm so tired of pushing myself, so tired of working my ass out, for what? Just to score lower or even the same marks as those who burn the midnight oil and last minute study? This isn't fucking fair you know. I fucking tried my best and all I did was to let myself down all over again?! Than what's the fucking point in all this? To make myself more depressed? Maybe you can say that I'm not studying smartly. Then what's studying smartly to you. Pls come and teach me would you.
I'm so tired of pleasing everyone. I'm fucking tired of doing that. I make everyone else happy but what about me? Am I happy? No fucking no I'm not. I'm not happy. I'm not happy with my life. I know I'm very fortunate. I know I am so blessed if I compared to other people but everyone is different. Everyone has their own demons to battle with and these are mine.

I'm just so tired already.
I'm basically standing on an edge right now and the voices inside of me are telling me that I'm not worth it, that I should die. And I'm finding every possible reason to stay strong, for my mum, for any friends out there who still cares about me. But my emotions are way stronger than my logical thinking. And I'm afraid one day I might cut too deep and not stop. And I see all those blood flowing out and I smile in glee cause I know I'm gonna leave this awful place soon and those around me would suddenly stop what they are doing. And for that moment they will notice me. Noticed that they have completely ignored my existence, my feeling. And the 'shay' they knew was just a facade under a facade. And that they didn't know who I really am. Like how I don't know who I am. And they will regret I hope for not showing more concern. And they will live in guilt forever. And I will look up to them from hell and smile to myself, knowing that I finally did it.

Side note: I left new scars on my wrist today. I felt happy. I honestly did. You won't know that feeling of relieve when the pain mentally is converted physically. That moment when suddenly your mentally pain is gone and that sense of relief. You won't understand. You never will.

A person who fails in committing suicide would keep attempting to do it until they succeed.

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