Thursday, June 09, 2011

"This is it"

This is it.
I wish people knew the amount of courage people have,
when they decide to take their own life.
The thoughts running in their minds,
Must have been so unbearable.
So much pain, the intensity of pain they must have felt.
It's so much more than the physical pain that committing suicide becomes an option.
Because all they want is to end it.
I wish people understand that having such idea isn't a one or two days thing.
It's long term.
Such thoughts exist in them since God knows when.
You think it is easy living, when you are thinking of ending your life constantly?

I wish more people know how fragile a life is,
I wish they understand that a person actually "dies" not physically but mentally when they are thinking of ending their lives.
Just these 4 words,
"I want to die"
Marks a beginning to their road of destruction.
I don't know how to explain it.
Just put it this way,
When you think of dying, once, twice, then more often, frequently and lastly daily,
You start giving up in yourself slowly.
You lose the meaning of happiness.
You find yourself constantly upset for no apparent reason.
At times you want to be numb, so that you will never feel the pain in you.
At times you wish you can feel again, to know you are alive.
That is why people slit themselves.
But I don't want to get to that topic.
And so crying becomes nothing.
Cause you cry everyday.
Laughing is just a process.
Because after laughing, you stopped.
And then the feeling comes back again.
And the whole process repeats itself.
But not forgetting you think of dying everyday.
And it would eventually gets worst.
You find reasons why there is no point in living.
And until one day you found the last reason and nothing in this world can stop you from living.
That is when your words become actions.
You think of ways to die.
Pills? Hanging yourself? Jumping of a building? A bullet?
After this stage, you are completely gone.
You are still physically here,
But mentally you are somewhere else.
Maybe a better place.
Maybe a white space.
I don't know.
You then try out different methods to kill yourself.
Some people have many failed attempts before they successfully end their lives.
Some chooses the ultimate choice where there is no turning back.

You see the above Gif.
His name is Gene.
He died in the Golden Gate Bridge on 11 May 2004.
Before he plunges, he actually walked around many times.
Probably thinking, Probably looking back, Probably praying.
I don't know.
But I know the amount of pressure he felt must have been so intense.
The thought running in his head.
It breaks my heart.
You should watch the video I posted below to learn more.
About his background, family and friends.

I have been imagining what might have happened the whole time.
Thoughts running through his head.
He had enough.
Anyway, there is no reason for him to stay anymore.
Everything and anything failed on him.
His mother had died too, so he felt that he had done his obligation to live when his mom was alive.
Love, wasn't what he wants it to be.
He called his granny, his friends. Tell them goodbye.
Then he walked towards the ledge of the bridge.
Back facing the view, he stood on the ledge.
He took a last glance,
"This is it"
Then plunges down.

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