Saturday, July 11, 2009

I've been thinking lately.

Yep yep.
I have been thinking a lot lately.
Every time I have free time, I would think and ponder about things.
Sometimes I will get the answers from my questions, sometimes I wouldn't.
& I think that's what making me so irritated.
There are so so so many why but very little because.
You get what I mean?

This blog post is not an update about my life,
So if you are expecting something interesting than I'm sorry to dissapoint you.
You can actually stop reading this post and press the red button on your top left corner.
This blog post is all about my doubts and questions.
Maybe if you are smart enough, you can help me answer them.

I had to find the best picture of him. The internet had many ugly ones.

His last full dress rehersal performance.

So as all you know, and even if you don't, you will get to know now.
I'm a MJ fans.
Michael Jackson if you are that dumb and don't know who MJ is.
I liked him ever since I first saw a show about his NeverLand.
I saw how he cared about the kids and how wonderful NeverLand looked.
But somehow as I got bigger, MJ kinda got forgotten.
Though I still heard about him, but I wasn't really like "following" his every moves(news).
As I grew up, I also started hearing a lot of people's negative comments about MJ.
At one point of my life, I actually felt that MJ is really a freak.
I mean like raping kids and stuff(including his bleaching and plastic nose).
However, I also heard from others that he didn't rape kids and he was framed.
Though sometimes I tried to stand up for him and said someone did framed him but I just did not have the courage to continue on and I followed the flow.
Than that day arrived when Honeybaby text me.
"MJ died today."
I was in the train than so I couldn't react that much.
"What," I thought. "This couldn't be happening! How can he die?"
It felt like it was so impossible.
MJ, died...
I would never imagine that day.
Not when he just made a comeback, and would be having his last major concert.
"Not now."
After finding out more from honeybaby, I realised he died from a heart attacked.
The news didn't really sink into me, it felt so surreal.
That whole day, I tried not to think about it.
But than, when more news and more people talked about it, I realised it is really happening.
Than I thought and asked myself,
Why would God want to end MJ's life like this? Isn't he a good man? He was so caring and generous. He donated so much money to the different organisation...
Why God, why?
I remembered asking God that before I slept, and I cried saying it can't be happening.
Though I still do not know the answer.
But I know God have a purpose for it.
He will have a purpose.
That was the first question that I asked myself.

The next question came about when some people isn't sympathetic about it or were faking it.
Some made a big fuss about his death, pretended they were his fans.
Some said it was time...
What the hell, I mean come on.
This man who made legends and history had died and you can say it was time.
Go ft yourself and die!
Why are humans like this?
Why do they only learn to cherish when things around them dissapear.
I mean I'm like this isn't it.
I only learn to love MJ more after he died.
And what about the media?
Why are they always making false news about people?
MJ didn't rape anyone ft boy!
The boy himself admitted after MJ died that he lied!
& besides, MJ did not go bleaching because he wanted to be a white man.
Get your facts right ft media.
He had vitiligo and lupus, these illness made him sensitive to sunlight.
That's why his skin appeared so pale.
Seriously, why do people only believe those news that are so exaggerated?
Why can't they trust reliable media?

Blanket is the youngest one. Paris it the second and Prince is the oldest.

You can see Paris comforting Blanket. Poor blanket.

After this question, another one suddenly pop up when I was watching the memorial for MJ.
And I saw Paris talking about his dad.
& I realise that she, her older brother Prince and youngest brother Blanket really miss their father.
I mean, they didn't have any love from their mother so they were totally dependent on their dad.
But now, he's gone, gone forever.
What would happened to them? How would they handle this news at such a young age?
Imagine when your love ones are suddenly gone.
I know I wouldn't be able to take it, not even handle it.
I remembered when I was young and I would imagine what if mummy one day would die, what would I do.
And I realise at that point of time I would always cry, I don't know why.
Is just that I love mummy so much, I can't imagine if she would be gone forever.
When I saw the speech by Paris, I could understand how she felt.
I understand her feelings and the more I asked myself why would God take away Paris, Prince and Blanket's dad?
Than I was at youtube, and I started watching MJ's home videos with their kids.
And I remembered one scene particularly when Prince and Paris was still young.
And Prince was saying I love you daddy, You are the best daddy ever because you bought me ice-cream.
I don't know whether that was his exact words but the idea is there.
And he ran up to MJ and MJ kissed him on the lips.
I remembered crying at that scene cause it was so sweet.
But MJ is now dead.
Why God, why take MJ away from his kids?
His kids need him God...
& at that point of time, another thought came into my head.
Would MJ really go to heaven?
Did he really believed in God?
& suddenly I found myself asking God.
Dear God, please accept MJ into heaven. He's a good man...

Okay, enough about MJ. I know I'm boring some of you with MJ...

I started to ponder about more things.
Have you ever like a band very much?
But suddenly, either one of the band members left or the band has disbanded?
Well I hate it when bands does that, especially those I love a lot.
There are countless of bands which I like have disbanded or are missing with one or two members.
Doesn't the band think about the fans who like them?
Doesn't they realise that the band would not be the same without the member?
I don't understand why good bands have to disband.
There are bands like blink182, busted and son of dork which made me feel very sad when I heard about them disbanding.
Other bands like Varsity fanclub, Rookie of the year and Click five are short of members or they have found replacements...
Isn't it saddening to see that?
Or happened to find out through their myspace?
I hate it, I hate this feeling.
I hate feeling like someone had taken away something you love.

I would kill for a guy to play guitar for me and sing me a love song.

I love polariod couples.

Another incident which happened made me question myself.
Why would a guy like a girl like me?
I still find it ridiculous.
I'm fat, ugly, short and a total bitch.
Why would any guy like me?
That's so ridiculous.

Ian Vuitton. RIP, died this year.

This picture was in Paul Skinny's myspace. At first I thought it was a girl.

Oh, and I was viewing Jefferee Star blog,
If you don't know who she is, she has a myspace and a buzz net blog.
You can search on her.
I'm saying she because she is actually a guy but she is acting/dressing like a girl.
Okay, I hope that doesn't sound offensive.
I'm not here to judge her.
I think she's prettier than me even though she's actually a guy.
Anyway, that's not the point.
So I happened to see a picture and it was a picture of her stickam.
If you doesn't know what's that. Google it, I'm too lazy to tell you.
So I saw a very good looking guy called Paul Skinny.
So I said why not? Just go search on him.
So I did and I found his myspace.
And I was reading it when I came across the Heroes section.
That section is for you to list down your heroes.
And he list down this person who is called Ian Vuitton.
And I was reading his description about him.
Than I realise there were a word that stands out the most.
And I realise this Ian person had died...
&& his only 19.
I checked his Myspace.
The point is, he's myspace is still active.
Both in fact, his friends only one and his general one.
At that momment I wanted to say how can he be dead? His myspace is still alive with a ll the comments.
Than I saw a comment from his dad...
I realise his father is the one that had been updating it.
At that point of time, I felt that his dad is really very sweet and he love Ian a lot.
You must be wondering why this Ian Vuitton person is leaving such a huge impact on me.
Firstly, he is a guy. But when I saw his picture, I thought he was a girl. If I'm not wrong, he's gay...(Now you get the idea?)
Secondly, he died this year around January. And is a big news to many of his friends who still missed him.
Thirdly, I know his friends still missed him because remember I say his myspace is still open? Many of his friends still comment on it. And their comments were really sweet and touching. Some were like I'm missing you or I cry myself to sleep every night.
Forthly, I visited his Stickam and Twitter and his last Twitter message was telling people that he's going Stickam today at this timing. & I just realised that after this Stickam video, he won't be going on Stickam because he would have already died. And I started feeling very sad.
Lastly, his dad still helped him update he's myspace. Is like making his friends feel as though Ian never leave them... I thought that was a really nice thing to do.
Actually to be honest, I don't know why Ian left such a great impact in me.
Maybe is because he still get remember after he died.
Than I wonder, would I be remembered if I die? Would people miss me?
I later felt very sorry for his dad, and another question came into my mind.
Is sad for parents to lose their children as they meant the world to them.
I started feeling that death is a scary thing cause is so unpredictable...
I also felt bad for aways thinking of dying. I mean wouldn't mum and dad be so sad when I suddenly left the world?
Is like Paris who suddenly lose her dad and Ian's father who suddenly lose his son.
That's very sad, and I totally hate this feeling of losing someone.

Bestfriends do stupid things togather.

The picture says it all.

Than yesterday I was looking through some very old pictures.
About two years ago or even more.
& I came upon many pictures of me and her.
It brought back so many wonderful memories.
& I really hate myself now.
Why did I make her feel this way?
Why am I such a bitch?
She's my (once)bestfriend...
Why am I hurting her?
Seeing those pictures, I remembered the times in Starbucks, the times in chinese tuition and the sleepovers.
I remembered talking about AHA, and boys and korean/english bands.
I remember that promise we made.
Who have a boyfriend first must asked the boyfriend to treat us to Crystal Jade.
I remembered you would always asked me for the Crystal Jade treat cause you always think I have a boyfriend.
I remembered laughing at you and AHA.
I remembered the times when you would cry and lean against my shoulders.
I would try so hard to be brave and strong in front of you.
I remembered I wouldn't tell you my worries because I didn't want you to be worried about me.
I remebered we have plans of getting into the same poly and than staying together.
I remembered all the wonderful memories...
But I didn't realise it would be over so soon.
I never know we would get into such a major fight and end up hurting one another.
If I have a choice, I deffinately would want to be your friend again if you even remember me.
I would not have this qurral with you.
I asked myself why I have to be such a bitch.
Why start all this blog fights with her?
Why not just settle it peacefully...
It still hurts me now to see some of the things I have that reminded me of you.
Even though this happened like last year but the hurt and the pain is so raw.
It felt like all this happened yesterday.
People tell me to forget about it, what is lost is already lost.
Don't hold on to it anymore.
But am I wrong to miss my (once)bestfriend?

Don't know which episode is this. But I like the scene.

You can tell, she's smiling...

I was watching BOF today.
I know, unexpected caused I keep saying the korean version sucked.
But it did suck.
The japanese version was so much better.
Than I realised that love in all this drama shows are so different from reality.
Love in drama shows are always protrayed so nicely...
But in reality, love hurts big time.
Why people like me, who is so dumb, desireed to be love when it will hurt us in the end?
Than I started realising that the korean version of BOF is quite nice because the guys look quite good...
But than the show ended and it showed the preview of the next episode and I realise the next episode is actually season 2 of the japanese version.
& I started getting piss.
I mean why join season 1 and 2 together?
This question is quite ridicuous actually...
Forget about it.

This blog post is also getting a little too long.
&& I still have many questions, but I'm getting sleepy.
I should end here.
If you can answer one of my question, tag my blog.

No comments:

Post a Comment

hey thanks for commenting ya! you are the best person in the world! <3