You don't know me, neither do I.

Room update

2012-02-11T02:03:00.000+08:00

Please share it, tweet about it, like it, comment it.Thank you:')

F A I L U R E

2012-02-08T02:44:00.003+08:00

People always say count your blessings.

I do not disagree to this sentence.

In fact, it's nice to always know of all the things you have.

Instead of thinking about the things you don't have.

It's always nice to view the world with such positive energy.

I mean it makes life so much better doesn't it.

Even when you meet any problems or obstacles, it doesn't bother you that much.

I wish I can be someone like that.

I don't understand why people think it's so damn easy to be positive.

To see things in a better light.

I don't know why people say happiness is a choice.

I don't understand how people can let things go so easily.

Maybe because they aren't battling the same kind of demon as me?

Maybe they are a much stronger person?

Maybe they have learn how to live, and not simply exist.

Or maybe i'm just so used to the constant pain I put myself through.

Maybe i'm addicted to the pain?

Maybe i'm a sadist.

I don't recall the last time I was genuinely happy for a long period of time.

All my happiness seem short lived.

I'm really so sick of myself.

I hate myself.

And I'm tired.

I'm tired of writing blog posts like this.

Because it's all the same.

I'm tired of wallowing myself in misery.

I'm tired of forcing myself to think of happy thoughts.

I'm tired of crying without a reason.

I'm tired of treating everybody nice

I'm tired of being a "me" which doesn't even exist.

I'm tired of figuring out who I really am.

I'm tired of socialising

I'm tired of being nice.

I'm tired of being selfless.

I'm tired of putting everyone first.

I'm tired of people telling me to let go, to be happy.

I'm tired of wanting someone who can understand me.

I'm tired of pushing myself.

I'm tired of feeling like a total failure all the time

I'm tired of not achieving much

I'm tired of worrying

I'm tired of the future

I'm tired of school.

I'm tired of education.

I'm tired of the world.

I'm tired of wanting to be this person I will never become.

I'm tired of expectations.

I'm tired of disappointments.

I'm tired of waiting.

I'm tired of sleeping.

I'm tired of waking up.

I'm tired of being tired.

I'm tired even though I have way too much sleep.

I'm tired of breathing.

I'm tired.

I have been thinking a lot these past few days.

More than my usual thinking.

I have been thinking about my future.

And all I can see is one word.

FAILURE

Too relevant

2012-02-05T19:17:00.001+08:00

2 am, where do I begin?
Crying off my face again
The silent sounds of loneliness
Wants to follow me to bed

I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most
I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Let you go and let the lonely in to take my heart again

Too afraid to go inside
For the pain of one more loveless night
But the loneliness will stay with me
And hold me 'til I fall asleep

I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most
I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Let you go and let the lonely in to take my heart again

Broken pieces of
A barely breathing story
Where there once was love
Now there's only me and the lonely

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Let you go and let the lonely in to take my heart again

When you fall in love.

2012-01-30T23:23:00.001+08:00

(Photos taken from here)

Friends who know how to make you smile genuinely

2012-01-30T23:17:00.002+08:00

Thank you.

Without you guys, i'll probably be dead now.

Broken Promises

2012-01-29T22:57:00.000+08:00

I don't know what to believe, who to trust anymore.

Every time someone promises something and didn't carry it out,

a part of me dies inside.

And it's not like I didn't learn my lesson.

I just thought that they are worth my trust and so I place my trust in them again.

I know promises are meant to be broken,

But not my heart.

Sense and Sensibility

2012-01-28T00:40:00.001+08:00

It's been a while hasn't it.
Since my last update.

Life has been really challenging.

No doubt there are those little bits of happiness.

Like chinese new year, dates with people i love, how my room never fails to give me comfort.
But there are times where I just feel so emotionally down, and like always there are no one to turn to.

Literally felt my heart break just recently.

I have learn so much this week.

How CNY is just another day to visit relatives you don't give a shit about but because of "respect" you have to visit them.

How money is behind all this "respect"

How the closer you are with a person, the bigger disappointment you will feel when they let you down.

How you can't expect people to understand you, you cannot expect the same amount of understanding people will return to you.

How sometimes you feel that even best friends or close friends can become strangers.

How someone can destroy your whole mood, your whole day just by using such words.

How feelings can be played easily, and then apologised a while later just by using "i was joking", like it meant nothing to them.

How I need to just put myself second, or even last because well everyone is just more important to me.
How they told us to be yourself, but later judge us for bring us.

Funny right.
Well, i experienced all this within a week.

But this isn't really what i wanted to blog about.

Haha. Sorry for wasting your time.

So I just watched this show called Sense and Sensibility, is a British romance novel by Jane Austen.

I really want to read the book.

I mean the show is great, but usually the book is better.

Anyway, what strikes me most was the character Marianne. She's the second daughter.

Her story, seems too familiar, too similar to mine.

Except one difference was she was able to move on, to forget about him, and get married to this guy who love her dearly.

Maybe that's why I can't move on.

No one has ever love me like that too.

I can't find the exact lines she said to her sister.

But the particular scene that struck me was the conversation Marianne had with her sister.

It was about this guy she had love but he was a jerk and broke her heart.

"He knew I love him, and he made me believe that he love me too"
"Well he did not use that many words to say it (I love you) but his actions, the words he say to me shows that he does"

That's exactly how I feel.
He didn't say he love me, I just thought he did.

He led me on, he knows I like him.

It's so obvious.

Too obvious.

And I know the pain she felt when she found out that he was married, that he was playing with her (though he claimed he really love her)

Oh wells.

Anyway, what i'm trying to say is that i'm going to be like Marianne.

I'm going to move on.

That's what i always say.

But this time I mean it.

It's been like what, 2 years.

I have punished myself for way too long.

I have lie to myself for way too long.

Telling myself that he is this and that, and that i'm so over him, but clearly i'm not.

I won't doubt it's going to be hard.

And there will be days I will cry myself to sleep wondering why did we change.

But I have done enough hurting to my heart.

I don't know whether anyone else can replace the position he has in my heart.
I still love him, and I doubt I can love anyone like how I love him.

But I've had enough.

I'm moving on, to love someone else differently.

Not the same way as I love him because i'm not going to treat the next person as a rebound, or in anyway comparing him to that person.

I'm moving on.

And I will.

My new room!

2012-01-19T23:50:00.002+08:00

Sorry for the very late late update of my room!
I just felt really lazy to update this blog.

Oh wellz.

But since i have the mood to do it now (because i'm procrastinating, not wanting to do other stuff)

So here is some photos of my new room.

These photos are taken when i wayyyyy back.

My room has changed a little, after these photos cause i had made some changes.

But i'm too lazy to retake so...

here is my new room!

Wall before I added my Polaroids!

And my wall now!

Memories~~~

My favourtie lyrics.
But I have change it to something else.

Anyone can guess the new lyrics?

Byez ^.~

2012-01-10T21:48:00.001+08:00

My life really sucks right now.

2012 i'm gonna be skinny.

2012-01-02T23:12:00.001+08:00

Be it the healthy way or the unhealthy way,

I'm gonna do both.

I'm gonna exercise (try), puke, diet, eat one meal a day.

Or even just survive on water.

I'm doing anything and everything to be 48 kg again.

Fuck this.

The world is ugly, and i'm gonna be skinny for this world.

2012

2012-01-01T23:19:00.001+08:00

Just wanna be happy.

That's all i'm asking for.

Life

2011-12-24T03:59:00.002+08:00

Someone told me the more famous you get, the more fame you get and generally the more fans you get.

But he also said the more fans you get, the less friends you have.

And then you suddenly question yourself who are your real friends?

And who are just basically fans, who are obsessed cause of the way you look, they way you dress etc.

Then I realised that I'm a really miserable person because i'm not even famous and I don't even have much friends, real or "fake".

Real friends? Maybe a few.

Fake friends, or I shall put it nicely, acquaintance, I have well, a handful?

My life, well sucks.

Don't you hate it, when i'm so emotional?

2011-12-21T13:32:00.000+08:00

Like fuck bitch, just kill yourself already.

2011-12-19T22:51:00.003+08:00

A long rant before I snooze.

2011-12-14T23:49:00.001+08:00

Need to be up by 4am so I better speed rant.
Fuck this few weeks have been straight up miserable.
And I'm probably the reason for all these emotions I'm feeling.
I hate to blame it on people because it's not even anyone's fault but mine.
I hate how my emotions controls me and not my brain. You get what I mean?
I don't think straight anymore. I just let my emotions do the actions.
When I'm upset I'm upset. Angry I'm angry.
I don't ask myself anymore why I'm feeling like that.
Well, you can almost put it as I'm having all these fucked up emotions without a reason at all.
My emotions are getting the best of me and it's making me do things I don't really want to do.
Sigh.
I don't know how to pen down my emotions anymore because right now I feel like a messed.

I have been studying. Studying so much that I'm losing my sanity.
And I question myself everyday why am I doing the things I dislike? This isn't life at all. Aren't we suppose to enjoy life? Why am I studying so hard for nothing. Yes you get a cert in the end and so? What's next? Compete with JC fucking smart people and all the smart people in the same poly course as you just for the sake of that university spot? Is this all worth it? And ultimately am I happy?
Fuck. And my enough is definitely never enough. So what if I'm hardworking? So what if I studied a week or even two earlier than you? Does it make a fucking difference in my results?! No fuck no of course. Cause I'm so dumb. I swear I'm so tired of pushing myself, so tired of working my ass out, for what? Just to score lower or even the same marks as those who burn the midnight oil and last minute study? This isn't fucking fair you know. I fucking tried my best and all I did was to let myself down all over again?! Than what's the fucking point in all this? To make myself more depressed? Maybe you can say that I'm not studying smartly. Then what's studying smartly to you. Pls come and teach me would you.
I'm so tired of pleasing everyone. I'm fucking tired of doing that. I make everyone else happy but what about me? Am I happy? No fucking no I'm not. I'm not happy. I'm not happy with my life. I know I'm very fortunate. I know I am so blessed if I compared to other people but everyone is different. Everyone has their own demons to battle with and these are mine.

I'm just so tired already.
I'm basically standing on an edge right now and the voices inside of me are telling me that I'm not worth it, that I should die. And I'm finding every possible reason to stay strong, for my mum, for any friends out there who still cares about me. But my emotions are way stronger than my logical thinking. And I'm afraid one day I might cut too deep and not stop. And I see all those blood flowing out and I smile in glee cause I know I'm gonna leave this awful place soon and those around me would suddenly stop what they are doing. And for that moment they will notice me. Noticed that they have completely ignored my existence, my feeling. And the 'shay' they knew was just a facade under a facade. And that they didn't know who I really am. Like how I don't know who I am. And they will regret I hope for not showing more concern. And they will live in guilt forever. And I will look up to them from hell and smile to myself, knowing that I finally did it.

Side note: I left new scars on my wrist today. I felt happy. I honestly did. You won't know that feeling of relieve when the pain mentally is converted physically. That moment when suddenly your mentally pain is gone and that sense of relief. You won't understand. You never will.

A person who fails in committing suicide would keep attempting to do it until they succeed.

Untitled.

2011-12-12T23:23:00.001+08:00

Please believe me when I say that I don't want to live anymore. Because I may/might/most probably just do it when I found enough courage. Maybe I won't find the courage now, but then again you never know. You never know whether this would be my last tweet to all of you. You will never know.

Am I depressed?

2011-12-10T23:43:00.001+08:00

How to recognise depression

Depression is different from normal sadness as it interferes with your day-to-day life making it hard for you to work, rest and have fun. People with depression experience five (5) or more of the following symptoms almost every day, for two weeks or longer:

Persistent sadness or emptiness
Loss of interest in all or almost all activities
Decrease or increase in appetite; unintentional weight loss or gain
Difficulty in sleeping or sleeping excessively
Restlessness or feeling agitated
Fatigue and lacking in energy
Difficulty concentrating or having trouble thinking and making decisions
Frequent thoughts of death or suicide
Feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt

Source

I googled signs of depression and found out this site which states all the symptoms.
Gonna increase the font size of the ones that I experience and see if i'm really depressed...

Oh fuck.
It's basically the whole thing...
1. Persistent sadness or emptiness (check)
2. Loss of interest in all or almost all activities (check)
3. Increase in appetite for me, and maybe even weight gain. I didn't check but most probably. (check)
4. Sleeping excessively. I sleep at least 7 hours a day plus my naps in the afternoon... (check)
5. Restlessness or feeling agitated. Yes even when i'm not having my period. Fuck. (check)
6. Fatigue and lacking in energy. Fuck. I tweet that i'm tired all the time, and even texts my friends that... (check)
7. Difficulty concentrating... like right now when i'm suppose to be studying... (check)
8. Frequent thoughts of death or suicide. Yes, do i even need to explain how much i want to die? (check)
9. Feelings of worthlessness... All the time, all the time... (check)

Now can I go to the doctor for anti depressant pills?

Quick quick quick update.

2011-12-10T19:52:00.001+08:00

COMMON TESTS ARE HERE.

FUCK.

JUST HAD MY FIRST PAPER (IF YOU DON'T COUNT HRM PAPER)

WELL...

DON'T WANT TO EXPECT ANYTHING BECAUSE WITH EXPECTATION COMES DISAPPOINTMENT.

OKAY.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M IN CAPS.

XOXO

TAKE CARE GUYS.

I really need you.

2011-12-04T22:27:00.001+08:00

~~I really need someone to tell me it's alright.~~

No scratch that.

I wouldn't believe it anyway.

I really need someone to be there,

Someone to tell me "hey i understand"

Without me finding the right words to explain how I am feeling right now.

But it's impossible because every fucking one is caught up with their own life.

And I have to be strong because I have to.

Honestly thinking of going to the doctor one day and tell the doctor that I think i'm depressed.

And I've contemplated suicide far to many times to still think i'm still sane.

If nothing is stopping me, no one is stopping me.

I would really wish to cross a busy road...

那些年，我们一起追的女孩

2011-12-04T02:23:00.001+08:00

No one is gonna love me like this.

My life is pathetic

Goodbye.

Daily dose for now.

2011-12-02T22:04:00.001+08:00

You have to do this!

2011-12-01T01:04:00.001+08:00

The Skinny Cupcakes Official Blog

The Skinny Cupcakes Twitter

The Skinny Cupcakes Facebook

FOLLOW THE BLOG, FOLLOW THE TWITTER, LIKE THE PAGE.

IF YOU DO THAT, COMMENT ON MY BLOG, TWEET ME, FB ME AND I WILL GIVE YOU GUYS A HUG.

AND IF YOU ARE SPECIAL ENOUGH, STARBUCKS IS ON ME :)

DEAL? HELL YEAH!

My instrument

2011-11-29T23:41:00.001+08:00

I'm not asking you to accept what I'm doing.

I just hope you understand why I'm doing it.

I'm not asking you to go all "ohmygawd shay, wtf. talk to me etc"

I just want you to know I'm not ashamed that i'm doing it.

Have you ever.

2011-11-28T22:39:00.001+08:00

Friends.

Who the fuck needs them?

Have you ever felt that way.

I have, all the time.

What for have friends, when none of them understands you.

None of them is willing to care for you.

Care, and not curious.

What for have them?

When you still feel lonely even when you are around them?

Have you ever felt as if you are the one putting in effort in the friendship but the other party isn't?

I know I can't be selfish.

They probably have a life, busy with their life.

Unlike me, always all alone.

But I'm human afterall right?

Can't I feel this way?

That I'm always the one texting people first, always the one asking people out.

When will people ever want to text me first, or even ask me out first?

So if I don't do these, I'm simply non existent to anybody right?

No one will remember me right?

Very well.

Anyway the world revolves with or without me.

And at this point of time, i'm just emotionally very tired.

I just want to be with myself and myself only.

I don't want to text anyone or to go out with anyone unless you guys ask me to.

I just want to know how important I am in your life.

THINGS I FUCKING NEED RIGHT NOW!

2011-11-27T02:10:00.001+08:00

Balenciaga Cutout Boots

Dr Martens Adrian

Black Vans

Drop Dead Varsity Jacket WHICH ARE RUCKING OUT OF STOCK ALREADY!

i'M GONNA CRY CAUSE I SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT IT! FUCK!

~~High-waist Retro Tracery Printed Red-blue Jumpers~~

~~Retro Totem V-Shaped Neck Black Cardigan~~

Drop Dead Backpack

Canon G12

For christmas please?

Someone?

Hi Mum, Hi Dad.

Please?

edit. i just bought the two jackets...
with my own money.
oh wells.

I envy

2011-11-24T23:10:00.001+08:00

Photo taken from tumblr.

I envy old couples.

To spend 50 or more years with that one person you love so much.

So precious.

I know how some people feel that you will get bored of your partner, or how your love for them will fade.

To that I say you have married the wrong person.

Honestly, true love never dies.

No matter how long you guys are together, the love won't die.

I honestly believe that it won't die.

To be able to fall in love with him again everyday, it's such a wonderful feeling.

I envy old couples.

To be able to wake up in the morning and see your partner's face.

To see him sleeping so peacefully next to you.

To fall in love with that face over and over again.

And no matter how many wrinkles he has on his face,

How he has aged over the years, or that his face has crinkled, skin has sagged...

You would still think he is the most beautiful being ever.

This is love.

I want love like this.

But I don't believe it will ever happen.

So to those out there who has a partner, treasure them.

Tell them you love them everyday.

Tell them how you fall for them everyday.

And if your really love him/her with all your heart, no one would be able to come between you guys.

So why worry about another party, when you know that you guys love each other?

And even if someone did come between you guys,

Yes it's that person's fault for coming between.

But it's also your partner's fault. (whoever the in between belongs to. lol)

It just shows that your love for him, isn't really love.

Because when you have the best, the rest are just substitutes.

You get what I mean?

Will you be there, when I need you?

2011-11-23T00:44:00.001+08:00

I wish I can talk to someone.

Anytime I want, about anything, about all my troubles and stuff.

But there is no one, I can really trust, to pour my heart out.

I'm dying inside, keeping everything inside me.

It sucks.

I wish I can talk to someone, knowing i'm disturbing them, but also knowing that they don't mind it at all.

Fuck my life is damn pathetic.

I'm a kitty kat

2011-11-22T12:57:00.001+08:00

Meow meow meow.

Meow meow.

Meow meow moew meowwwwwwww

I bet you didn't understand that.

Only real kat people will understand.

2011-11-22T01:21:00.001+08:00

People say that bad memories cause the most pain, but actually it's the good ones that drive you insane.

It's all about you.

2011-11-21T02:14:00.001+08:00

I have been thinking about you really often lately.

And it's not good when I'm supposed to let you go a long time ago.

When you decided not to text me anymore, when you decided to walk away.

I should have gotten the hint.

Why was I so dumb, to even think there was still hope.

I hate to say this but I think I'm madly in love with you.

I come up with every possible scenarios in my head before I fall asleep.

What if I I told you I like you then. would things be different?

Why didn't you get the hint that I was falling for you?

I don't believe you didn't feel anything.

Gonna party like a millionaire

2011-11-21T00:57:00.001+08:00

Uhm

Brand new

2011-11-20T00:57:00.001+08:00

New picture, blogskin, tagboard.

Hope you like it.

And that's a really awkward gif.

Okay.

I love you guys, whoever that reads my blog.

Where do I even begin.

2011-11-19T12:52:00.001+08:00

Do you cringe whenever you think back about the things you do?

I cringe,

All the time.

I feel like a fool, an idiot.

Embarrassed myself only.

No wonder.

Please go away.

2011-11-17T14:49:00.001+08:00

Easier said then done.

School work is piling up.

Already feeling all the unnecessary stress.

My life has been the same routine over and over again.

Often I want to give up.

I don't know where this blog post is going.

It's just my constant thoughts.

I think I need to see a doctor.

Need to definitely get some anti depressant pills.

Also, i have one thing to clarify.

The only reason why I have so much time is because i have no social life.

I'm not like you, i don't go out with boyfriend (what's that? can i even download it?), i don't go out with my friends (friends? who the fuck needs them?).

I'm always alone. I go out alone, I go out to do my tutorials, to study.

Why do i study so much?

Because i'm apparently dumb, so dumb that i need to start weeks ahead of people just so that during exams i can score the same marks as them.

And i get distracted a lot.

Yes I maybe studying, but 3/4 of my study time is actually on tumblr, youtube.

Or like now, blogging.

Also, I don't have a job.

I should have, since i have so much time to spare.

But i'm afraid i'm not able to cope.

You want to support me?

I don't mind, i'm very high maintenance though.

That's why i'm so free.

I'm always with myself.

That's why i'm crazy too, and always emotionally unstable.

I hate it when people assume things about me.

I'm not you, i'm never you.

You don't know me, you only know my name.

So shut the fuck up if you want to judge me.

You don't know what it's like being judge, because no one judge your oh so happy life.

So don't judge me you fucking bitch.

I'm so awkward

2011-11-15T19:02:00.001+08:00

And lip biting is suppose to be sexy ~.~

If I didn't exist.

2011-11-10T21:09:00.001+08:00

Doubting my existence in the world.

I'm so tired.

Things I wanna do before I am too old.

2011-11-07T23:13:00.000+08:00

Uhm.

I actually have no clue what "too old" means.

Maybe the things I want to do before I'm no longer a teen.

I feel that after living for 18 fucking years,

I haven't really did anything "daring" yet.

I'm not saying that the things I'm listing down is not harmful.

I just really wanna try them now.

I'm still young anyway right?

I should learn my mistakes now instead of next time right?

I don't know. But that's how I feel.

And it's up to you to agree or not.

And obviously Idgaf, if not I wouldn't have listed it down.

Smoke
Smoke weed
Smoke pot (are they the same thing?)
Get high (high, as in. you know. not alcohol high and stuff)
Sleep with someone (SLEEP. not sex)
Cuddle in bed with someone
Make out with a stranger
Reach at least 3rd or 4th base with someone. But not homerun
Tattoos
Piercings

Confirm i'm gonna get shit from posting this.

But i'm serious.

I really wanna try all of these.

For you

2011-11-03T22:56:00.002+08:00

Hype it now.

2011-10-30T01:36:00.001+08:00

Hair problems.

2011-10-30T00:35:00.002+08:00

How did my hair turn from a really nice red to a shitty brownish orange colour.

Major depressed.

*I swear i'm wearing shorts at the first photo."

When you stand there alone.

2011-10-26T21:29:00.001+08:00

And my life is one big lie.

Because all I do is lie to myself.

The smiles you see on my face, most of them are fake.

Thank you, I love you.

Should I?

2011-10-23T23:08:00.003+08:00

Center parting?

Or normal side fringe?

Meh~

#hairproblems

2011-10-22T23:57:00.001+08:00

I WANT TO FEEL ALIVE AGAIN.

I would like to say something.

2011-10-20T20:26:00.001+08:00

You told me to be myself.

But when I was just being me, You judge me.

You tell me this is wrong, that is wrong.

You tell me I should be this way, I should act like this.

You say these words coming out from me is so unexpected.

You say I shouldn't act like this, I should be like this.

You tell me this you tell me that.

Ever since I was growing up, you guys always tell me what to do, what not to do.

What's the point exactly.

If I acted, behave like how you want me to, then who am I?

Am I being me, or am I being who you want me to be?

It's not like I am already not facing an identity crisis.

Why do you have to do this to me?

Can't I just be who I am.

I am still young, I still have many years ahead.

I'm suppose to be making mistakes now, so that I can learn from them and not repeat them in future.

I don't even know what i'm typing anymore.

I'm just feeling so disappointed in this world.

Before you judge someone, shouldn't you be in their shoes.

You never know all the heartaches she had experience,

All the pain she had felt.

How many times she cries on her way home.

The times when she locked herself in her room, blast the music and just cry herself to sleep.

You will never know how many times she cuts herself.

How many times she looked down from a building and consider jumping off.

Or the many times where she just wanna cross a busy road.

You don't know her, you never do.

Then why do you want to judge her.

Why?

The next time you comment on her profile like that,

Think about how much it would affect her.

Think about how much she cried over it.

Think about how hard she tried to not give a fuck about it.

Just think would you?

And so what if FUCK is a bad word.

I USES IT TO EMPHASIZE MY FUCKING POINT.

I DON'T USE IT TO FUCKING SCOLD PEOPLE.

EVEN IF I DID, I WOULD HAVE A FUCKING GOOD REASON WHY.

You don't see me saying it to you and go like

"FUCK YOU HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT"

You know why?

Cause I respect you dude.

I always love and respect you.

You were one, and actually is my favorite ...

But now i'm starting to feel all of you just judge me.

And do you know the truth,

I'm never real in front of you guys.

I act all holy and stuff.

But deep down, i feel like the dumbest, the most unworthy person ever.

Because you guys are all so smart and perfect and holy.

And i'm just down there.

Thank you.

For telling me that I should never be myself in front of you guys.

That I should only be real to people who really accept me for who I am.

Quoted from someone who wrote this to me.

You said "I CANT FUCKING WAIT", what language! wow I can't believe this.

I can rap cover.

2011-10-18T01:01:00.000+08:00

You like it when I tease?

2011-10-16T20:28:00.001+08:00

I'm a sinner.

2011-10-16T00:31:00.000+08:00


When it's taken to a new level.

Tattoos I want to get.

2011-10-14T22:02:00.000+08:00

Tattoos are permanent.

And a lot of people have comments about it.

I'm not really really getting tattoos now.

Don't worry.

HAHHAA

I scared of the pain too much.

But here are some of the tattoos I intend to get in future when I'm more brave.

1. Infinity

2. Triangle

3. "You're the smell before the rain You're the blood in my vein"

4. Inhale hate Exhale love

What do you think?

Music Rant #1

2011-10-14T00:54:00.003+08:00

Hi guys, this blog post would be slightly different.
And plus I want to try something new.

So you guys know i'm a audiophile.

I love music.

It's been with me through thick and thin.

When no one else was there, music was.

So what better way to thank and appreciate good music then to post about my favourtie songs or new bands/songs I have discovered along the years.

I'm thinking of doing it often.

To those who loves music like me too or wants to know more music genre etc.

And to start of with this music post.

I have decided to introduce to you guys one of my all time favourite song.

I don't think I will ever get sick of this band or this song.

Presenting...

CARAPHERNELIA - PIERCE THE VEIL

(Warning!!!! This version has screamo parts!)

I know some of you guys dislike that genre or has no interest in it.

Well, I'm very open to opinions and I understand!

Because their acoustic version of this song is nice tooo!

So here you go to some listeners who likes acoustic!

Lyrics:

Sunshine;
There ain't a thing that you can do that's gonna ruin my night
(But there's just something about)
This dizzy dreamer and her bleeding little blue boy
Licking your fingers like you're done and
You've decided there is so much more than me. (Oh)
And baby honestly it's harder breathing next to you, I shake
I brought a gun and as the preacher tried to stop me,
Hold my heart it's beating for you anyway
What if I can't forget you? (Oh)
I'll burn your name into my throat
I'll be the fire that'll catch you
What's so good about picking up the pieces?
None of the colors ever light up anymore in this hole
Oh
Nobody prays for the heartless (No! )
Nobody gives another penny for the selfish
(You're learning how to taste what you kill now)
Don't mind me, I'm just reaching for your necklace
Talking to my mom about this little girl from Texas
What if I can't forget you? (Oh)
I'll burn your name into my throat
I'll be the fire that'll catch you
What's so good about picking up the pieces?
None of the colors ever light up anymore in this hole
Just give her back to me
You know I can't afford the medicine that feeds what I need
So baby what if I can't forget you? (What if I can't forget you?)
Collide invisible lips like a shadow on the wall and just throw, oh no
You can't just throw me away!
So what if I can't forget you?
I'll burn your name into my throat
I'll be the fire that'll catch you
What's so good about picking up the pieces?
What if I don't even want to
What if I can't forget you?
I'll burn your name into my throat
I'll be the fire that'll catch you
What's so good about picking up the pieces?
None of the colors ever light up anymore in this hole
Just give her back to me
You know I can't afford the medicine that feeds what I need
So baby what if I can't forget you? (What if I can't forget you?)
I'd better learn to live alone
What's so good about picking up the pieces?

So how do you find the song?

It's pretty intense huh.

So i'm gonna break down the song for you guys and tell you guys why I love it so much.

So lets start from the beginning.

WHAT EXACTLY IS CARAPHERNELIA?

"The last time I saw my ex-girlfriend, she left all kinds of random things behind at my house: travel shampoo, a razor in the shower, hair clips, etc. It was basically just a bunch of stuff that kept reminding me of her. After a while, it made me miss her, and I wondered why we ever broke up in the first place. When I wrote the music for the chorus, I knew right away that I wanted to ask my friend Jeremy McKinnon [of A Day To Remember] to do the screaming parts on the chorus and bridge. A few weeks after I wrote the song, I approached Jeremy with the idea and he agreed to sing on the album. It turned out to be one of my favorite tracks once we collaborated. One of my favorite things to do is make music with my friends. That collaboration makes the songs very special to me."
- By Vic Fuentes

So I kinda made a conclusion that Cara (was prob his ex gf name) and phernelia actually comes from the word paraphernalia which means personal belongings if dealing with the plural verb which i presume (taken from the dictionary).

And urban dictionary (which sometimes is bullshit) states that Caraphernelia is "A broken-heart disease whenever someone leaves you but leaves all their things behind."

HAHA. So I must be correct.

And so why I love this song so much?

Because it speaks of the love he once had for his ex.

The music video is actually what made the song even more love by me.

If you know me, I love music videos. Especially if the songs I like have a music video with it.

And if the music video is good. The whole song would be exceptionally love by me.

So after I watched the video. I fell in love with PTV instantly.

I don't know about you, but I love to read music videos.

Meaning I love to break them down.

In this music video, you can see that all four members have a gf. Even Jeremy who is in A Day To Remember, also have one. And in this industry, you have to make sacrifices for your passion.

So when the band goes on tour. Obviously you can't bring you gf along. I mean there are so many factors to it. And obviously in a relationship, distance is always that factor that might spoil it. And you can see in their daily lives that they are struggling with that. To be able to balance their work life(music), with their friends(the band members) and their girlfriends. That's why at one part of the video you see Vic's gf (cara?) cheated on him. Which is so very sad.

BUT THAT ISN'T WHY I LOVE THEM.

Not cause his gf cheated on him or whatever.

It's because at the end of the video, you see a significant scene where they pass their phones to that dude.

Doesn't that trigger something?

For music, they are willing to sacrifice their personal lives, to put their personal lives on hold.

To dedicate that time specially for their screaming fans.

No distractions.

Just purely music and their fans.

I really like bands like these.

:')

So I hope you enjoy this post about music!

There would be more coming!

Stay tune!

Hayley William Hair.

2011-10-11T22:50:00.001+08:00

Hair colour faded.

Sad bunny now.

A day late post.

2011-10-07T22:09:00.000+08:00

Let's take a road down memory lane.

Where I still have my blackest black you can ever see on a girl's hair.

And now let's welcome my new hair.

I'm super happy about it because it's something unique and the colour turned out to be really nice.

It's red but under the light it looks a little orange?

I still like it though.

My original plan was blue but the hair stylist said that red would look better because when the blue fades it won't look good.

So hello red hair!

I was supposed to post this yesterday but if some of you might have noticed or read twitter, i fell seriously ill.
Like I started vomitting, diarrhea and i had a fever.
Which was so horrible.
But luckily i'm recovering so you guys don't have to worry that much.
If you guys are even worried.

Hope you like the hair!

My insecurities get the best of me.

2011-10-04T23:31:00.001+08:00

Topshop Topman Fashion Show
Ion Orchard
30 September
Everyone was glamorous except me.
Everyone was pretty except me.
Pretty girls, Cute boys.
20% discount
I didn't buy anything.
FML
Really wanted that Misfit jacket, high waisted black shorts and that knitted cardigan
But overall I had fun with honeybb
♡♡♡

Presenting the runway, models and my favourite outfits.
Due to too many spam photos I took, all epic fail obviously.
I've decided to choose some of my favourite outfits.

Invitation card

The card they gave to exchange for the invitation card

The crowd of overly stylish people who are all goodlooking

The runway was such a let down. It's pathetic as hell.

Presenting, Topman

(only selected some photos, like my top choices)

This is what my boyfriend should wear.

Something about the colours of the outfit. It's really attractive.

I really like this look among the rest. My top fav.

The brown knitted sweater is my fav too. I really like that colour.

The red is pretty rad too.

I forgot to mention, he is my favourite model. I think you should now why.

Presenting, Topshop

Opening act. I really like the combination.

Close up. The dress is really pretty.

If you havent't already notice. Thy knitted sweaters are my fav pieices from topshop. I love both the inner and outer pieces!

I wanted to buy the inner sweater. It actually comes with two designs.

This is one of them, another one the exact same pattern but with buttons. So instead of a pull over kinda sweater it's a cardigan design. But it was really pricey. :(

Look at the detail. Simply gorgeous.

I love the blazer. I really like the shade of it.

Anything with visible socks would get my love.

I love the details and colour of the knitted sweater.

The high waisted is really cute up close. You can find it at the boutique section!

Really love the head gear. Too bad Singapore is way to hot to purchase them!

Knitted sweater alert!

I can actually see myself in this outfit.

The jeans look really good too. I saw a salesgirl from topshop wearing it. Really gorgeous on her.

Attention to the stockings. It's a need to get item the next time i shop at topshop!

I can keep going on about the knitted sweaters.

Beautiful prints

I really love the design tee.

Love the whole look. Plus the top is extremely cute.

Really love the top.

VISIBLE SOCKS!

This is really amazing. How both looks complement each other. Well done.

Stockings alert!

See how the two looks complement each other. Plus it's my favourite colour to wear.

Sorry bout the over expose lighting.

I really love black dresses. This is one of them with slits at the side.

Elegant. One word

Check out the back of that black dress.

You can find this at the boutique section.

Necklace. Black dress.

To end of this post, here are some miscellaneous pictures.

Oh, and plus my honeybb of course.
I love her lots.

She's my world.

Insecurities issue.
I doubt i'll post the other hideous pictures of me.
For the time being, I hope you enjoyed this post.
Thank you for taking your time to read it!

Fuck

2011-10-03T22:10:00.001+08:00

Breaking point.

2011-10-03T22:03:00.001+08:00

I knew it's too good to be true.
How I'm not depressed for that long.
How I didn't really show much sadness when I receive my results.
How I didn't cry when I saw you that day.
How I was so strong and smiled it off thinking "I don't give a fuck"
I knew it. I knew this day would come.

I'm feeling miserable as fuck.
Like all my pent up true emotions are slowly but surely releasing.
I'm scared.
I need someone there to tell me everything would be fine.

I can't take all this emotions.
Not all at one time at least.
Please emotions, please go easy on me.

I feel horrible, I feel alone.
I'm scared of facing this world alone.
I wanna sleep but my mind is still active though I'm emotionally drain.

I. Just. Want. To. Feel. Numb. Again.

2011-10-03T01:01:00.001+08:00

∞

Me

2011-10-02T01:25:00.001+08:00

The first ten years of a girl’s life is spent playing with barbies. The next ten years are trying to be like one.

Why are you so nice?

2011-10-01T23:49:00.001+08:00

(Someone wrote this DM to me on twitter.)

"Sounds good (: don't call yourself a pig aha. today I caught myself smiling for no reason.then I realized I was thinking about you Weird huh"

Even if you are lying, or just trying to make me smile. That's really sweet.
♥♥♥

Am I just someone non existent to you?

2011-09-28T21:58:00.000+08:00

Have you ever wondered?

2011-09-28T00:21:00.002+08:00

Why

Can't

Perfect

Because

Disappointing

The

Person

You

Love

Hurts

Fuck

My favorite part of that song.

2011-09-26T21:05:00.001+08:00

This morning, you wake, a sunray hits your face smeared makeup as we lay in the wake of destruction. Hush baby, speak softly, tell me I'll be sorry
that you pushed me into the coffee table last night so I can push you off me. Try and touch me so I can scream at you not to touch me, run out the room and I'll follow you like a lost puppy. Baby, without you, I'm nothing, I'm so lost, hug me then tell me how ugly I am, but that you'll always love me. Then after that, shove me, in the aftermath of the destructive path that we're on, two psychopaths but we
know that no matter how many knives we put in each other's backs that we'll have each other's backs, 'cause we're that lucky together. We move mountains, let's not make mountains out of molehills, you hit me twice, yeah, but who's countin'? I may have hit you three times, I'm startin' to lose count
but together, we'll live forever, we found the youth fountain our love is crazy, we're nuts, but I refused counseling. This house is too huge, if you move out I'll burn all two thousand
square feet of it to the ground, ain't shit you can do about it with you I'm in my f-ckin' mind, without you, I'm out it.

SELLING POST UP!

2011-09-26T16:47:00.000+08:00

Hi guys!

My selling posts are up as you can see!

Please help me clear some old clothes!

THE PRICES ARE STILL NEGOTIABLE!

I'm fine with meet ups or mail.

But I prefer mail.

If you are interested in any you con contact me through,

Email: shaylentoh.sien@hotmail.com

Or you can text me if you guys have my number.

Please help out.

The clothes are clean. It's just that I haven't worn them in a while.

THANK YOU

Selling Post 4 (Nothing over $20)

2011-09-26T16:39:00.002+08:00

Cotton On Checkered Top

Worn a few times

Condition: Good
Size: L
Price: $10

Rubix Cube Printed Tee

Worn a few times

Condition: Good
Size: Free Size
Price: $5

Floral Print Skirt
Worn once

Condition: Good
Size: Free Size

Price: $8

Cotton On Skirt

Worn a few times

Condition: Good
Size: M
Price: $8

NOTE:
PRICE IS NEGOTIABLE.
IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN ANY CONTACT ME AT: shaylentoh.sien@hotmail.com

Selling Post 3 (Nothing over $20)

2011-09-26T16:39:00.001+08:00

Floral Jumpsuit
Worn a few times

Condition: Good
Size:Free Size
Price: $5

Floral Dress

Worn a few times

Condition: Good
Size: Free Size
Price: $10

Dorothy Perkins Knitted Sweater

Worn a few times

Condition: Good
Size: 10 UK
Price: $18 (i bought it for really ex price)

Black Double Zipper Jacket

Worn once

Condition: Good
Size: Free Size
Price: $18 (i bought it for nearly a $100)

NOTE:
PRICE IS NEGOTIABLE.
IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN ANY CONTACT ME AT: shaylentoh.sien@hotmail.com

Selling Post 2 (Nothing over $20)

2011-09-26T16:38:00.001+08:00

Checkered Top
Worn a few times

Condition: Good
Size:Free Size
Price: $5

Tank top
Worn only once

Condition: Good but has a stain in the front (the last picture)
Size:Free Size
Price: $5

Formal Dress (pockets at the skirt)
Worn a few time

Condition: Good
Size: Free Size
Price: $5

Ballerina Dress
Worn only once

Condition: Good
Size: Free Size
Price: $15

Flower Print Dress
Worn a few times

Condition: Good
Size:Free Size
Price: $10

NOTE:
PRICE IS NEGOTIABLE.
IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN ANY CONTACT ME AT: shaylentoh.sien@hotmail.com

Selling Post 1 (Nothing over $20)

2011-09-26T15:33:00.000+08:00

Cotton On Neon Yellow Jumper
Worn only once

Condition: Good
Size: M
Price: $5

Cotton On Floral Print Dress

Worn a few times

Condition: Good

Size: M

Price: $10

Alex Evans Inspired shirt (my interweb crush since forever)

Haven't worn before

Condition: Good

Size:Free Size

Price: $5

Cotton On Boyfriend Button Down Top

Worn a few times

Condition: Good

Size: M

Price: $10

NOTE:
PRICE IS NEGOTIABLE.
IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN ANY CONTACT ME AT: shaylentoh.sien@hotmail.com

SHOPPING LIST

2011-09-26T00:18:00.000+08:00

Which are basically things I really need in my life right now.

I'm a shoes person. Not really a heels person.

Don't get me wrong, I love heels.

But I kinda like comfort more.

HAHAH.

And I'm serious about bringing in the visible socks with vans looks!

I honestly think it's cool.

How is this not nice!

So please help me buy my Dr Martens so at least I can strike out some stuff from my list!

Because I'm pretty sure I need at least $500 to clear off everything here.

SELLING POST! DR MARTENS!

2011-09-25T23:28:00.003+08:00

Dr Martens Black (design is pretty old school cause i bought it like 3 years back!)

Genuine though I didn't buy from the shop itself.

Size: 7(male), 8(ladies)

Condition is good cause I probably worn it like twice.

Selling it at $100

(way way way cheaper than i bought it)

Contact me at: shaylentoh.sien@hotmail.com if you want

Update on my life.

2011-09-25T20:40:00.001+08:00

So I went out with John on Wednesday ^^

And I had so much fun. Honestly.

Though we don't meet often, I love it that we can talk about anything and everything.

Our talking sessions are always like a mini heart to heart talk.

I really like heart to heart talk to people I can trust and love dearly!

So we went to watch Johnny English.

Not really a big fan of him, but yeah I have to admit I did laugh @ some parts!

That was basically Wednesday~~~~

Then on thursday I had work an have fun! I love working with Jenny!

Feels like I can talk to her about anything and everything too!

And I love how it isn't awkward. Like even when there are times we won't talk. It wouldn't be awkward! :)

But I'm kind of a little sad that she's leaving already:'(

One less fun person to work with!

Oh oh! Before I forget, I saw LUDACRIS and SNOOP DOG while working!!!!

How awesomely cool is that!

Sadly we didn't really take pictures with them!

I also saw JASON from the show on the fringe!!!!!

Ohmygawd I can't emphasize on the point that he is a major cutie!!!!

I always love him in the show!

(photos will be uploaded once I get my hands on them)

Lastly I went out with my beloved honeybb for some flea shopping!!!!

Ohmygawd I really love flea shopping with her! Can get to buy so much clothes for such affordable price!!!

I bought a totally of 8 items for only $52!

So I basically spent most o my first pay on shopping and treating my parents to diner!

Hahahahahhaha!

Never even save a penny!

Shit uh.

Really need to shop less but I've got so much things I want!

Shall make a list soon so I can work towards it!

(Sorry for not much photos! Blogging through my itouch, waiting for char to finish studying!)

Don't be a pussy.

2011-09-22T22:30:00.002+08:00

Actually

2011-09-21T01:09:00.001+08:00

(unedited ugly as hell me. have i scared you yet?)

Wanted to start of with some emo shit about how bad i look and how unfair this world is.
But I stopped myself.

I mean cause everyone is experiencing it.
I'm not the only one facing my demons.
Everyone has demons and battles to fight too.

And mine might be so insignificant compared to theirs.

But still we are human after all.
This feelings are hard to defeat, especially when you experience them every single day.

So oh well, I won't say just "dgaf" cause it's hard too.
And definitely won't say just be happy because if you can't change it then there is no point being sad because I should be the first person to know that that is ultimate bullshit.

I'm not an optimistic person.
You know that.
I'm pessimistic as hell in terms of certain things.

So i'll just say for now, just live on.
Killing myself now might not be the best alternative i guess.

By the way I'm meeting John tmr.
YAY!
So happy. Long time never see him.
Hope he is doing fine!

♥

2011-09-20T21:28:00.001+08:00

It's a love hate thing

2011-09-19T23:27:00.002+08:00

You are.
And I hate how madly in love I am with you.

& I was so happy here because at that time I thought everything was perfect.

I have you, God, everyone I could possibly have in my life.

And then some shit has to happened.
And I have nothing left.

I spent the last 2 hours packing this.

2011-09-18T23:45:00.004+08:00

Rare moment of me packing stuff.
That was cause mum bought such an nice vintage box to keep all my accessories.
As you can see, it's actually not much.
Time to buy more!
Need to go to flea then!

*ignore the razor please. every girl has one. don't laugh!*

I just want to be pretty like the rest.

2011-09-18T23:29:00.003+08:00

I'm like some nerd pig please:(
My nerdy specs and big belly.
I think i'm secretly 4 months preggy.

Was reading her blog.
Kk, suddenly feel all my clothes are trashy:(
http://talktothewalls.livejournal.com/

I'm sorry my self esteem level is damn low.
It's considered non existent.
Not forgetting I beat up myself every time I look in the mirror.
Oh well, I just hate what I see.

And I'm your typical ah lian

2011-09-18T01:53:00.003+08:00

Hieeeee!
I'm Shaymeowmeowwwwz
I liek euu veri muchie.

Lol, think i'm going to puke soon.

Alesana with Crossfaith

2011-09-18T00:46:00.006+08:00

I apologised for the lack of photos.
I didn't bring my camera.
Bad decision I know.
Like which fucking idiot don't bring camera to Alesana.
Me I guess.
But then again, the crowd was so rowdy, I scared i bring my camera....

There was this dude, like beside my friend, he dropped his BB okay.
Imagine it was me.
Not to mention I picked up his BB.
He is so lucky.
& kinda cute.
:3

So Alesana with Crossfaith was fucking awesome!
(wish to steal some photos to show you but aiya, like so fake if i did it)
So here are the crappy quality i took with my itouch:(

And I took videos too.
BUT YOU SEE, I TOOK IT WITH MY ITOUCH.
So the distortion was pretty bad:(
And smart me, don't know how to leave enough memory space even though I knew i'm running out of memory.
So the videos are kinda screwed up.
Fuck uh.
The only thing i'm disappointed is definitely not bringing like my dad's smaller camera!
asddfghjkl
WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?

Alright, moving on to the happier events.
So I was standing really front this time.
LIKE I WAS GRABBING THE RAILING.
AND THAT MEANS I WAS IN THE FUCKING FIRST ROW!
WHOOOP~
(evidence that i was indeed grabbing the railing. sorry for that ugly look. i looked so fuck!)

I get to personally see all of them, their every move.
And ohmygawd all of them, ATD, Crossfaith and Alesana were fucking hot!
*sweat sweat*

For Crossfaith, the bassist was really cute and he was like standing in front of me!
And when he came nearer to like give the audience a high five sort of, he grabbed my hand first!
AHHHHHHHHHHHH~
*fangirling moment*

For Alesana, that was like a wish come true!
Before that i was hopping Shawn Milke would stand on the left like he always does in his live vids on youtube.
AND GUESS WHAT?
HE FUCKING DID!
AND HE WAS FUCKING IN FRONT OF ME!
Like his mike stand was fucking infront of me!
HOLY GOODNESS JIZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
Can you comprehend how happy and excited I was?
I don't even know where to begin describing all the things Shawn Milke did on stage.

Things Shawn Milke did on stage:
1. Touch himself seductively
2. Shaking his ass towards to stage
3. Psychotic look while singing really turned me on
4. he went super close to the audience. If he would just take a step forward, i would have touched him!
5. At one moment he stared at me for like 30 seconds or so continuously. I was so fucking excited. I screamed like a groupie and wave at him. LOL *embarrassed
6. Shawn was amazing, he reached all his notes and didn't screw it up.
7. I forgot which song it was but there was once when he sang the lyrics he pointed at his wife what the words went "You and Me". Fucking sweet. Then he looked at her and they both smiled! Fuck man. I want to marry such man tooo!
8. Shawn Milke is just being Shawn all the way.
9. I don't really have anymore to write.
10. I just want to say I fucking love Shawn Milke.

The other members were awesome tooo!
Dennis was hella crazy.
Shane was emo and cute at the same time.
Jeremy, I just wanna fuck him and his fuck this shorts.
Patrick you turn me on with your geetar skillz
Alex, I heard you were really nice to the fans. Awwwww.

I won't ever forget that day.
I really want to see them live again.
They were fucking goooooood!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

And now i'm back to reality again:(

To end it off.
Here are the signatures of Crossfaith!
Managed to HUG HUG HUG the bassist and the synthesis thingy dude.
LOL.
And of course shook all their hands!

BIWINNING

2011-09-17T20:29:00.002+08:00

Blogging while working because i'm fucking bored.
I swear I can't wait for 8.45pm so that I can start packing up!
I wanna write more but I'm afraid customers will come any minute.
I'm like typing then look up, typing then look up.
Wah:(
I say 'hi' until so nice and sweet yet no one wanna buy:(
Fucking sad now!
My itouch is being a dick! It isn't working with me!!!!!!!
Sigh.
Promise a alesana and crossfaith post later!
Bye~

Till then I'm dying of boredom here!

Seriously?

2011-09-16T00:12:00.002+08:00

It's like every time something good is about to happen,
Some fucked up must happen before it and totally spoil my mood.
No seriously, why must all this be happening to me.

It was actually a nice group of me and 2 of my other friends to alesana.
Then suddenly out of the blue 1 had China school trip so he couldn't make it.
Then left 1.
So I mean it's still okay because there is still 1 left right.
But no, some fuck up thing must happen and then he cannot make it now cause he had the fucking fever.

Seriously?
Now I don't even feel like going because i'm going to be the only one.
And if you know me, you know i'm a fucking awkward person.
I'm going to be fucking awkward there.
Like fuck.

FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck

THAT'S HOW UPSET AND PISSED I AM.

Are you smitten yet?

2011-09-13T20:52:00.001+08:00

♡♡♡

Photobooth

2011-09-13T20:42:00.002+08:00

Unedited photos.
Look at me so ugly.
Lol.

This was during Char's holidays.
We went to town (as usual) and sentosa.
I like spending time with her.
Can forget about life and stuff.
Just talk nonsense with her.

I know she stalks my blog.
Girl ah, don't study too hard ah.
Must relax okay!

A normal post.

2011-09-12T03:36:00.002+08:00

(fuck guys, my itouch in my room. i can't post any recent photos. too bad)
Hi guys.
Or is there even anyone here.
I'm going to start blogging normal again.
Like daily life kind?
You happy bro?
Cuz if u happi i happi.
LOL.

I'm not high or anything.
I'm just really fucked in the head right now.
Some DOUCHE BAG just fucked me in the mind.
I can't sleep cause I'm too afraid.
Fucker anal arsehole bitch douche.
I don't even want to apologize for being that vulgar cause i'm seriously pissed & upset right now.

I'll get back to that later.

So yeah, it's the holidays now!
Whoooop.
And i'm working in FROSTBITE!
(don't worry I do not even get a cent for blogging about them)
So yeah, there are outlets at Toa Payoh, Suntec, One Fullerton and East Coast!
You guys should go check them out!
They sell awesome Popsicles!
It's super yummy and healthy!
Why? because they come in fruit flavours. Like all natural flavours!
Go check them out really!
Especially when i'm working though!
LOL, it gets really boring sometimes during work.

It's getting pretty late.
But I can't get to sleep.
Why?
Cause some FUCKER just mindfucked me.
I can take a joke.
Honestly I can. But when the joke is too far, don't fucking talk to me anymore.
You guys know, or should know that I AM TERRIFIED OF COCKROACHES.
You can joke one or two about them, no worries I can still handle it.
But there comes a point where i don't even wanna know information about them.
AND IT BOTHERS ME THAT YOU DON'T EVEN CARE BOUT HOW I'M FEELING.

Can you imagine if i made fun of what you are afraid of?!
Like which fucker does that? You obviously.
I'm pissed now, I admit i am.
Maybe tomorrow I will forgive you for that.
But for now, I don't even wanna talk to you.

I DON'T EVEN DARE TO ENTER MY ROOM NOW OKAY.
I NEED TO FUCKING SLEEP IN THE LIVING ROOM.
And you still can go on about cockroaches and facts about them.
Great dude.
Seriously.
Thank you so much.

And the point that you ain't drunk and still so fucked up means that you really have a problem.
I'm sorry bro, that's the truth whether you like it or not.

This is for messing with a girl alright.
We ain't no push over.
You fucked up this time.
You deserve whatever i'm going to say.
That's it.

I didn't want this post to end this way.
But I really got to get it off my chest.

So yeah, thanks for reading this.
Anyone.
I'll be posting more normal post.
Promise.
No more, okay maybe lesser "i want to die" and "i hate my life" post.

Me. You. Mhmmmm

2011-09-03T22:58:00.000+08:00

Me. You. Fuck.

2011-08-30T22:50:00.001+08:00

I hate life. I just want to die.

Mhmm kk

2011-08-25T05:19:00.000+08:00

I. Like. Your. Hair. Let's. Fuck.

Mr Moon (original)

2011-08-19T02:20:00.001+08:00

I have been thinking...

2011-08-17T05:01:00.002+08:00

Not really. But it's 5am already. And everything is quiet. Well beside my itouch which is playing Caraphernelia now. That's very beside the point. The point is, I don't really have a point. And it's basically how I'm living my life right now. No purpose, no interest, no motivation. I'm just like q living dead yeah? Living life like a daily routine. One day, the limit is going to be up. I will no longer be able to take it. But till then... You think that I still be able to change my life? For the better I hope?
I guess you guys are thinking (if there is even anyone left) "wtf another emo post? I'm so fucking sick of her complaining about her life"
Yeah you know what? I'm fucking sick of myself too. I guess we just found something in common.
Le sigh~
I was watching YouTube videos just now, instead of studying. And I was thinking. Why can't I sing like her? Why can't I rap like her? Why can't I dance like them? Why can't I draw like him? Why can't I just be good at the smal pathetic talent I used to believe in. And then I just it just demoralize me further to know that my talent isn't even a fucking talent. I can't sing, I can't anything.
:(
And then I realize, I have nothing. Nothing at all.

I wish I was things I'm not.
And I know deep inside me I'm never going to be whatever I wish for.

barely hanging on.

2011-08-17T02:28:00.002+08:00

My exams are coming in less than week.
Yes, less than a fucking week.
I'm so stressed.
I believe i'm on the edge right now.

Instead of fucking studying,
I do stuff that I won't even do when I had MORE time.
asdfghjkl

I watch television though there is nothing to watch.
I update facebook like no tomorrow.
I stare into space.

Fuck my life.
I should be studying yet i'm wasting more precious time!!!!

I'm really pissed at myself now.
Nothing is going inside my head.

I AM LITERALLY SCARED.
SHIT SCARED YOU KNOW.
THAT FEELING WHEN THE DAY IS APPROACHING.
YET I CAN'T DO ANY FUCKING SHIT ABOUT IT.

Do you know how i feel?
I wish someone can hug me and tell me everything is fine.
Or like just replace me or something.

No wait, i take that back.
Everything is NOT fine.
Not fine at all.

AND INSTEAD OF STUDYING IM BLOGGING.
Very nice shay, very nice.
You're fucked up.

Sorry i'm not pretty inside out.

2011-08-16T01:51:00.001+08:00

kk bye.

The only one left.

2011-08-11T23:14:00.004+08:00

The only place left to say things that people would judge, criticize.
That's cause no one reads this place anymore.

It's too dull, too dark for your mind, too honest, too real for anyone to take it.

Happiness is your choice. You can choose to be happy, you can choose to be upset.
It's also in your mind, it's all about the mindset.

What if I told you i chose to be sad, to be upset.
Because i'm so used to the pain and the hurt that without it, it feels weird.
I'm so used to the pain and the hurt.
So used to it.

Do you really know me?
The girl who smiles with you, laugh with you, cracks jokes with you?
The girl who doesn't look like she needs anyone cause she's so happy.
I tried being her. I really tried to.
But for so many years of being happy, i'm so god damn tired.
I'm not genuine happy all the time.
I'm not.
And yet I have to.
Because if I know I am not, it's going to worry someone.
It's going to break someone's heart.

And so I do everything for other people.
Yet, my parents call me a selfish girl.
They think i'm spoiled, they think i'm self centered.
Yet sometimes I even feel that i'm not putting others first.

So yeah, i'm going to put everyone first yeah,
I'm going to satisfy everyone except me.
Everyone except me.

I thought my happiness was the first priority?
I guess not.
Others should come first.

I don't know where i'm going from this post.
and i see no end to it cause it's just my sadness on replay.

I think i have already lost myself.
I don't know who I am.
I have lost most passion on the things i used to like.

If I tell you, this would be my very last blog post.
Will you worry?

Cause I think you should right now.
And really don't regret not helping me when i'm gone.
But i'm just gonna say, i don't want any help because you read this.
Because you feel oblige to.

I don't need anyone of you.
Because i'm good in pushing people away.
I pushed God away.
I pushed my bestfriend away.
I pushed people who cared about me away.
So what makes you think I won't push you?

It's such an irony how I complained i'm so alone. When i'm the cause of it.

What's the point

2011-08-04T01:25:00.002+08:00

In me staying, when i am not appreciated at all.
I hate this world
I hate everyone right now.

And yes i am an emo person.
Yes I am.
So don't expect much from me.

Thank you and fuck off.

I did things I'm not proud of.

2011-07-31T00:25:00.001+08:00

And I know it's wrong.

Serenade my heart.

2011-07-23T04:04:00.002+08:00

"@ShaySidSykes if only distance wasn't a problem, i would marry you <3 don't blush :3"
Someone wrote this for me on twitter today.

Though it might mean little to you,
It made me smile.
You have no idea how much this means to me.
That's i'm not worthless.
You know what I mean?

I wrote love on my arms tonight.

2011-07-17T02:29:00.001+08:00

Don't worry, I won't be here for long.

To a friend.

2011-07-16T04:06:00.002+08:00

I hope you read this,
I really hope you do.
I really hope you still care about me.
I really hope you read my blog.
I really hope you know I'm not doing fine.
I really hope you at least tried to reach out to me.

What happened?
Can you tell me what I did wrong?
Why did we suddenly not talk anymore?
I see, you got new friends.
I see, you got new things in your life.
Why didn't you tell me?
Why didn't you share it to me too?

Do you know I still care, about this friendship.
But you can't seem to be bothered anymore.
Why?
Tell me why all this changed?
Tell me why you stopped talking to me.
Tell me why we stop messaging.
Tell me why we stop walking to the bus stop together.

I don't like change, I thought you knew.
I thought you treated me like someone you can talk to?
That was what you write in my christmas card isn't it?
Or was that all just fake bullshit, which i just conveniently believe in?
Can you just tell me the reason why things has changed?
Because I don't get it.

Is it because I neglected you?
I don't know.
Why so distant after you came back.
Seriously...
It's like you have changed.
Maybe I did? but i really doubt so.
What happened?

I hope you know, I kept your christmas card in my diary/planner.
I hope you know I still use the pens you gave me.
And the diary, i kept it, cause I can't bear to use it.

It hurts to see how distant we are right now,
Like strangers.
And every time I think about it,
I think it's my fault.

Because everything is my fault.
I'm always the one in fault.
And I hope you realise when I am writing this, i'm tearing like fuck.

So if it was my fault.
I'm sorry alright,
Can we just be like how we used to?

Or maybe i'm just not worthy of being your friend anymore.
If that's the case,
fine.
I'm just gonna treat that friendship like a thing in the past.

.
.
.

and fyi, it hurts me to see, you don't even look at me, like i didn't exist.
and seeing you sitting with them during lectures instead of me.
what happened.
seriously, what the fuck happened?

Au Petit

2011-07-07T22:15:00.009+08:00

Belated birthday celebration @ Au Petit.

It was, woah.
Seriously top notch.
Super classy place with food that you definitely have to try before you die.

Alright, enough talking.
Photo bomb time.
ENJOY

The place.
It's at Dempseyyyyy~

What I wore, mum says I looked super mature.

While waiting for the food.
Mum keeps complaining that the service is slow.
But good food must wait what...

Table decorations :3
So pretty.

Super classy.
They use like different cutlery for different meals.
Normal restaurant only use ONE.
See the difference now.

Finally the moment you have been waiting for!
Mum and I ordered the set dinner. So this was our entrees!
Crab and tomato.
YUMMY!

This was my dad's one:3
Super yummy!
Cooked eel? Semi cooked eel?
I don't know but it was eel.
Damn awesome!

Second entrees for me and mum!
While dad have to look at us eat.
Heheheh.
It's duck liver.
As gross as it sounds, it's actually really yummy!

AFTER A LONG WAIT,
The main is here!
This is my dish.
Cod fish!~

Mum's main.
Lamb:3
I don't like lamb though._.

Dad's main.
Well done beef.
YUMMY, and the potato tasted like heaven!

Desert time!
Mum's desert.
Cheese with bread.
Different kind of cheese.
AND I FINALLY TASTED BLUE CHEESE!
EEEEE.
Taste like shampoooo.
~.~

My desert
Sponge cake with honey and icecream.
Weeeeeeeeeee~

Dad's one was the best!
Ice cream with toasted chocolate bread?
Or something like that!
It was so delicious!

Sugar cubes for our tea and coffee~

THEIR ALCOHOL SELECTION~~~

ZOOMED IN!

SAW SOMETHING FAMILIAR?
:3

I enjoyed everything my parents had planned.
From 1 July till the 5 July.
Everything was amazing.

And to my friends who have celebrated my birthday with me.
Thank you, I love you.

THIS

2011-07-03T23:20:00.001+08:00

She said that she wanted to get high. He took her to the tallest hill in town. She said that she wanted to stay up all night and drink. He gave her a 12 pack of caffeinated Pepsi and said “drink up.” She said that she wanted to shoot herself in the face. He gave her a water gun, put her finger on the trigger, aimed it at her face, and helped her pull the trigger. She said that she wanted to cut herself. He took a Polaroid of her, handed it to her along with scissors, and had her cut it up. She said that she wanted to see her blood. He took her to get her ears pierced. She said that she wanted to cry herself to sleep. He had her watch a sad, romantic movie before bed. She said that she wanted to be alone. He gave her a name tag that said “My name is: Alone.” She said that she wanted to have someone there to take care of her, always. He asked when wasn't he.

Happy birthday Calvin.

2011-07-01T12:00:00.000+08:00

Your birthday is 1 July.
So easy to remember your birthday!
Anyway you're probably not going to see this.
But I just want to say
HAPPY BIRTHDAY CAL!
Hope you like the card I made.
Uh. It's nothing much but but I still put effort in it.

And thanks for well everything.
Lending me the bass, listening to me pour out my sorrows.
Thankew.
:3

6 types of love.

2011-07-01T00:16:00.001+08:00

Eros
a passionate physical and emotional love based on aesthetic enjoyment; stereotype of romantic love

Ludus
a love that is played as a game or sport; conquest; may have multiple partners at once

Storge
an affectionate love that slowly develops from friendship, based on similarity

Pragma
love that is driven by the head, not the heart

Mania
obsessive love; experience great emotional highs and lows; very possessive and often jealous lovers

Agape
selfless altruistic love; spiritual;

Uninterested Gecko

2011-06-30T19:16:00.001+08:00

This close.

2011-06-30T01:57:00.002+08:00

I was this close in crying in school.
Never before.
I teared during my journey home though.
Such a whim.
I'm so tired.
I didn't expect all these shit to happen.
Isn't it suppose to be my birthday week.

Aren't I suppose to be happy?

If life was controlled by video games, then I've got a question to the one controlling me.
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO ACHIEVE, YOU SICK BASTARD."

1, 2, 3, _|_ it.
Listen to bass down low.
I only like that part.